5 Ways Your Ex-Boyfriend Made You Toxic
And How To Heal
If you have recently entered a new relationship and it’s not working out, but can’t quite pinpoint the exact reason….
Or you’re noticing a pattern of failed relationship after failed relationship, you may have been exposed to an extremely toxic ex-boyfriend.
1. You’re Untrustworthy
You once used to be Abe Lincoln, proclaiming to never tell a lie! Now your words and actions don’t line up. This becomes extremely apparent when you meet someone who is almost perfect for you and the complete opposite of your toxic past.
But because of the trauma you dealt with, your vision is blurred. You start to second guess this new man in your life who is being so nice. They have given you no reason to doubt their actions, but you’re looking for any sign of inconsistency.
Meanwhile, you’re all over the place….
Usually when someone enters a toxic relationship, there’s a reason.
It could be because you had a tumultuous or strained relationship with one of your parents growing up. You never healed from that trauma, so you’re going from Toxic relationship to Toxic relationship like it’s normal.
It is not normal.
If you never been in a relationship that didn’t end on good terms, or you aren’t friends with any of your exes, the problem might live deep inside of you.
The truth is no one can trust you. You can’t even trust yourself……
Healing:
In order to heal, you can’t look at the next partner to fill a void that is within you.
You need to be completely honest with yourself and then you can be honest to everyone around you. If you feel that you can’t be honest with someone in your life, you need to distance yourself from that person, because clearly there’s something negative keeping that relationship together.
And there’s no room and no time for negative energy.
In fact, think about how many years you’ve wasted on a negative relationship? That’s time you can never get back. And every time you bring that relationship up, that is time you could be redirecting that energy.
2. You Have No Friends
You used to have a circle of friends, or at least one best friend you would talk to regularly. Now you aren’t really close with anyone. Your excuse is that you don’t get along with anyone.
Actually, a lot of women who have relationship issues also have issues finding and keeping friends.
If you think hard enough, you’ll realize your ex was the closest person in your life and he probably pushed away any real friends you had. And maybe pushed away a few family members.
Healing: Everyone knows one person who is consistent in their life. It doesn’t have to be a friend, it can also be a relative, or a co-worker.
That person should have at least one thing you aspire to achieve, so by keeping in contact with that person, you will be one step closer to that achievement.
Make sure your ex isn’t somehow still lingering in your life. There is literally no reason to text him. You really shouldn’t even have his number anymore.
You are the average of the five people closest to you. So, if those five people are inconsistent and unorganized, mentally poor, or just constantly negative, you need to replace that entire circle.
3. You’re Inconsistent
Somewhere along the way, you have become inconsistent and unreliable. But I’m not talking about the people around you who ask for help and you jump to do it, no questions asked. I’m talking about YOU!
You have become inconsistent with your goals, with your relationships, basically with your entire schedule. A bad relationship has made you lose focus on the important things you actually wanted to do in your life.
Now you’re a zombie, a ghost, basically just a soulless being moving from one day to the next, existing, but not really living.
Jordan Peterson has a great lecture about “Making a damn schedule.” It’s so simple, yet most of us have no idea what our day will be or look like. So our day is usually lost on distractions.
You let everything and everyone else control the outcome of your days and basically your lives.
Healing: Admiral William H. McRaven said “If you want to change the world, start off by making your bed. And changing the world is exactly what we do every day, whether we want to or not.
The question is, are we adding any value to the world by living the way we are?
Be honest, be consistent and get organized in your life!
And start with one task. Do that task for 30 days and then add one more task.
A habit can easily be formed in 30 days, and habits literally dictate how we live our lives.
Brian Tracy said something that I personally live by. “Form good habits, then make them your master.” Start today. Start right now.
4. You Stopped Loving Yourself
Sometime during that one relationship that pushed you too far, you stopped loving yourself. And if you don’t love yourself, you will never love anyone else.
The real question is, why did you put so much trust in someone that didn’t love you right to begin with? What is wrong with you that you needed someone else to have control over your life. Who are they to control your life?
Are they God?
Not only did you love them and continue to love them you also lied to yourself and everyone around you.
You were relentless. You had no peripheral vision. You just focused on a lie that was looking you straight in the face.
This might be the most toxic thing you’ve ever done.
Think about when you realized that person was toxic. It was probably very early on in the relationship. But you were in love and didn’t focus on the negatives.
You also thought you could fix someone else’s flaws.
But it’s impossible to change someone else.
He was mentally abusive, but you persisted. He cheated, but you forgave him. He lied, but you gave him a second chance. And to put the icing on the cake, you moved in with him.
You basically let the devil right into your home….
The old saying is, don’t go in the kitchen and not expect to be burned. Well don’t make your house a hell and expect not to become evil.
Healing: Loving yourself is the hardest thing you’ll ever do. It’s the one thing we were never taught growing up.
A lot of our parents didn’t love themselves and it shows….
Right now, say out loud or write down things you are grateful for. Only goals, family, and friends that are purely positive.
If you can’t find anything you’re grateful for, go to bed tonight and try again tomorrow.
If you are too far gone you need to listen to at least one video from a self help interview every day for 30 days. Every day.
I recommend Brian Tracy, Bob Proctor, Tony Robbins, or my favorite Dani Johnson. If you have had an addiction, Wayne Dyer is a must.
Keep it short so you can be successful in this new habit. Two-three minutes videos.
It is actually easy to love someone else. But it is almost impossible for most people to love themselves.
I was grateful to have an excess of family and friends who loved me when I was growing up. The more relationships I started, the more I realized a lot of women unfortunately did not get that love they needed growing up.
Or some women got the wrong kind of love and too much of it.
Society puts such an emphasis on a woman getting married, having kids, and a house, but no emphasis on loving themselves. None.
I can find thousands of books on diets, hair, makeup, fashion, aging creams, anything on enhancing the exterior of a woman. Society wants you to look damn good and be depressed.
5. You Forgot Who You Are
Somehow along the way, you have lost your identity. You look back at older photos and see how happy and full of life you used to be.
Where did that person go? Will you ever get her back?
If the closest person to you is toxic and unstable, you will become toxic and unstable. We adapt to our environment.
We must change the environment.
Many times, even after the person has left, we still feel like we’re in that space. Now our mind is the toxic environment. You must change your mind, or you will be lost in the abyss forever.
Healing: There’s no magic pill.
Change what you consume, what you watch, what you read. Make a conscious decision on every choice you make starting today.
At the end of the day, look back and think about anything you did that you didn’t want to do. Don’t do that again tomorrow.
If work is the thing you hate, focus your energy on changing your job. It may seem impossible, but only you can decide what is possible and impossible.
If you ask the universe for something, whether good or bad, you will receive it. That is a promise.
Bonus
Change your energy.
The next person you are with will feel your energy.
When you’ve found someone who’s everything you ever wanted, listen to their advice when an issue arises.
Be vulnerable no matter what you think the outcome will be.
Be honest.
Be consistent.
Don’t keep expecting to receive and not give the same in return.
Hold your actions accountable.
Listen and respond.
Attempt to heal yourself.
Attempt to love yourself.
